Red Moments

Coming Out of the Fog

2006-06-20T09:55:00.000-04:00

Wow...it's been 9 months since the affair between the other man and I started.

When it started I had no idea how it would change my life forever. I was so desperate for attention and the feeling of attraction. I was looking for a way out of my boring marriage. And, boy did I find it! I had no idea what the affair would turn into. In the very beginning I didn't stop to think about how my actions would affect so many people. It didn't take long though before the guilt of it made it impossible to enjoy fully. He had no idea what this thing would turn into either. He too, was desperate in a boring marriage.

In an attempt to enjoy our relationship fully we decided to end our marriages and move on with life together. I have to say...I'd like to think I'm not that naive but, apparently I was. While I knew in the back of mind that it would never work I was hoping for a miracle. I would've loved to spend the rest of my life with him. At least that's what I thought when I was in the fog. Now I'm coming out of it and realizing I was loves fool.

Granted, it's very difficult to want something you know you can't have. And, I can be really stubborn like that.

There was so much between the two of us that would've made a relationship together tainted.

For starters, the way it began was as a lie. It was full of manipulation and deceit and would always leave us wondering if we would do that to each other some day. Would we allow our relationship to get boring and die then cheat on each other...or would our relationship really be so different. That's hard to say. The way a relationship begins might have a lot to do with the ups and downs of the relationship and whether or not it can last. The beginning of a relationship should be happy and full of joy so that you always have that wonderful memory to look back on. When the going gets rough you have a happy place to work from. You have that special memory of when things were great. That would be ideal.

Now, on the other hand, I believe anything is possible so... My mind wants to keep hope alive for the idea that I can make anything work. What a crock! That's torture. I'm learning how to step over some thoughts and emotions so I don't get stuck. Make sense? I made this same mistake with my husband. I knew marrying him was a mistake but I did it anyway in hope that my feelings would change over time.

Back to the affair: We both have kids...he has one on the way yet (what evil person am I?). What on earth would we tell them? How would they respect us? We'd spend a life time together trying to figure out how to make our children believe this was the right thing for us to do. That would be pretty hard to do when we don't believe that ourselves. Love shouldn't be hurtful to others but, ours was.

Another issue...how would our extended families handle this? For crying out loud the man is in my wedding photos! He was one of the groomsmen in my wedding! We would always have to deal with each other's x’s... That in itself would be a nightmare. She'd never be accepting of me and neither would my x accept him.

The more I come out of this the more I can see that I have created a Jerry Springer episode. Ahhh!!! Weird! Weird that our love for each other felt so real and so strong that we were willing at one time to do anything to be together. Naive.

Something very important I realized since coming out of this fog, I'm relationship addicted. Just like some people are addicted to alcohol or other drugs, I'm addicted to relationships. I get hooked really easily. Not a good thing. For the first time in my life I'm looking forward to being alone. I've always been so afraid of that. I've been so many things for other people these last ten years but, right now I want to just be me for a while. I have dreams, goals, and a good head on my shoulders (when it's not in the clouds). I will succeed. I'm not so worried anymore that life is going to be lonely without a love relationship in it.

I want to get to the point where I can honestly say that finding the right person will be icing on the cake, not the cake. Catch my drift? That means life is good all by itself and extras are just that, extra.

It's makes perfect sense to me. It doesn't happen over night for somebody who's been relationship addicted though. It's a process that I'm going through; it's a goal of mine.

So, we all make mistakes. Learning from them is key. That's how we get from point A to point B.

Sometimes I want to warn that affairs like mine are all bad! Don't ever do it! But, I know there's a reason they happen. For myself I will hold a special place in my heart for this affair because I'm learning so much from it. I'm becoming more of who I am because of it. I'm not saying it was right or it was okay but, that it will have a special place that isn't all dark. I'm not saying people should go around hurting others in an attempt to figure themselves out. What I am saying is if you find yourself in a situation like this you should find the meaning of it. Grow from it so you don't regret it.

And, I will always love him. It's true. Blah, I know! The love will dull over time but, will always be there. I will find somebody I love more and can actually have for my own.

I have a question...

2006-06-04T17:30:00.000-04:00

I met a guy on Friday night at a night club...I had a awesome time dancing with him. He was the only guy in the club I was interested in dancing with. I liked his tact the most. He insinuated that he watched me turn down many men before him. He was different. Very smooth, mature, hot hot hot, well groomed, well dressed, intelligent (masters degree in education), witty, and a great dancer (he knew how to swing, and taught me how to salsa). We had a blast together. He commented all night about what a great dancer I am and how hot I am. He didn't dance with anyone else all night. We ended the night by making out in the back of the bar :) When we were done I asked for his phone number...he said "no, I'll take yours." He hasn't called. I'm wondering if he'll call. By not wanting to give me his number, I wonder if that was a sign that he wasn't that into me. Hmmm...or does it just mean he wants to be in control of who does the calling. I'm kind of thinking he was just looking to have a good time for the night. What do you think?

Under pressure

2006-05-25T14:35:00.000-04:00

Classic Queen...Under Pressure...is in my head right now while I think about all the pressure I'm under.

Some days I think I have everything under control. I feel like I know myself and know what I want. Then other days I question everything and nothing makes sense. My emotions are all over the road right now.

I'm hungry and tired. My body is working in overtime trying to keep pace with my mind that is working at mock speed most of the time lately. It's exhausting.

I need to have a snack, some water, then a good work out. That will make me feel better. You know why I like jogging so much? Because I hate it. After a long jog I feel like I can do anything...nothing could be worse than a good jog.

GO PISTONS!!!

I wish I was Meredith Grey...

2006-05-17T13:25:00.000-04:00

Not really...I've been in Meredith Grey's shoes and it's not easy wanting a man you can't have.

Grey's Anatomy is my favorite show. I anticipate it each week. I'll be hanging all summer long...waiting for fall and my next fix.

Wasn't the season finale wonderful? It so was so tragic yet, still so rewarding. I want to see it again.

So sad that Denny is gone. I loved his character. And loved watching Izzy and him together. They're too cute.

In a weird way I'm happy Derek and Meredith got together again. I hope he leaves Addison in the next season. I know he probably won't and it'll probably get very messy. Otherwise the show wouldn't be as entertaining for everyone else. As for me, I'd be happy if Derek left his wife and if he and Meredith lived happily ever after together.

Yes, Patrick Dempsey is too hot for words...but, the real reason I love them is, they remind me of the affair I had. I fell in love with a man I can't have. Everyday is torture for me in the same sense it is for Meredith. Unlike Derek and the man I had the affair with, I can't go back to my relationship. I've experienced a kind of love that won't go away. I can't be with my husband knowing I feel so strong for another man. I would be forever cheating on him in my mind. I've experienced something that has changed the way I view my relationship. It's made me realize that I was settling for a man I don't truly love. It's not fair to him or me. It's just sad state of affairs.

I know there is a lot to be said for "doing the right thing." But I think in this situation, doing the right thing is destructive for the relationship. Just like with Derek and Meredith and how they can't just let it go. They will always have a thing for each other and he will never be able to completely be with his wife again.

I read an interview in a magazine a month or so ago of Patrick Dempsey. In his real life he cheated on his first wife, then she cheated on him (or the other way around). All said and done, they divorced. He has remarried since then and says he's very happy. He recommends people wait until their thirties to marry. He thinks most people need their twenties to figure themselves out and to experiment with other people. I think there is truth to that. It makes sense.

I have a fear of being alone... I am alone right now. It's not easy. Some say there's a peace that comes from being alone. I can imagine it, but I'm not there yet. I have a plate full of emotions to deal with before being alone will feel decent. I imagine it will be a while before I feel like getting out and dating again. There's just too much to deal with right now. Taking care of my kids and their turmoil is of top priority. And, there's the sadness and sense of loss I'm dealing with that will take time to heal. I won't feel like myself for a while. I won't have anything to offer someone else until I feel better.

Rain, Rain... Go Away

2006-05-16T00:06:00.000-04:00

You can tell a lot by the way someone looks at you. My husband has always had that spark in his eyes when he looks at me. Anyone can tell, there's no doubt how much he loves me. The way he stares at me from across the room. I always know when he's doing it. The way he looks at me has always bothered me because I've always wanted to feel that way for him in return. But I've never been able to. And I've never been able to admit it to myself because it feels so selfish. How can I not love someone who loves me so much?

I want to feel that kind of love. I did feel that kind of love. He's married and is "doing the right thing." Dammit. His conscience won't let him run away with me.

I want my husband to have someone to love him passionately, the way he deserves to be loved. The way we all deserve to be loved. He'll find it. He's just that kind of person.

I can't figure out what kind of picture to put next to my profile. I don't think I want to show my face. That feels kind of creepy to me. Besides, who knows who could stumble across this.

It would be nice if it stopped raining around here. It's been raining for 6 days. It doesn't help the mood.

No sex, no love, and no sunshine. Not a good combination.

No like, no love...

2006-05-15T09:36:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't like my soon to be x in that special way if I just met him today. And I wouldn't fall in love with him. He talks too much. He's too much of an extrovert. He really likes attention. He likes to be the center of attention. Controlling. Very egocentric. Sometimes flaky. He's artsie fartsie. A little too out there sometimes. I think I'd be attracted to him physically because he's very good looking. He's tall (6'5), blond ish colored hair, nice strong body, and full of smiles. But as soon as he starts talking I would know we're not a good match. I think he's interesting in small doses. But day in and day out our differences get in the way.

He likes Gothic girls...always has. I can't get into that. I don't mind admiring it from afar but as for me, I'm not a gothic chic. I like the color Black in a classy way. I love my little black dress and I love to wear my off the shoulder little black shirt with my favorite pair of jeans. But lots of black eye liner, striped stockings, and all that is a little too out there for me. I have a conservative side about me.

I like manly men. I'm not attracted to metrosexuals or extreme extroverts. I don't want a man that is too in touch with his feelings. Blah! I like men who are confident and reserved. I don't want to have to talk about it every time I'm having a mood swing. I want a man who knows that with time and silence it will pass. Don't ask me what's wrong. I will tell you if something is bothering me enough that it needs to be dealt with. I don't want a man that needs constant reassurance or feels like I do. I think these things should come naturally.

And...I don't have big breasts. Someday I'd like to have a boob job. Just a little boob job, nothing extreme.

Love is a Mystery

2006-05-13T22:46:00.001-04:00

How does love make sense? We've heard it all: real love is an action not a feeling, I'm "in love", it was love at first sight, we lost that loving feeling, I don't think I was ever "in love", etc... What does it all mean? When you marry you make a vow to love and cherish each other always. You make a commitment to your spouse to love them even when that loving feeling is gone, and even if you discover it was never an "in love" feeling. How can love be an action and not a feeling?

"If love has any function, it's as our servant not our master"-Mira Kirshenbaum

I think some people fall in love and stay in love. I did not. The love in my marriage always felt more like action than feeling. It didn't feel right most of the time. I want to be in love and stay in love.

How do you put love into perspective?

I believe in love at first sight. I was love at first sight for my husband. I think love at first sight is very common. I think what's rare is to find two people who experience love at first sight at the same time together. My husband was not love at first sight to me. It always felt like an action not a feeling to me. He's easy to love and I will never stop loving him.

As I sit here making my first blog post I'm eating some of a giant Hershey Kiss that the man I had an affair with gave me a few months ago. Eating this Kiss might be symbolic of letting this love affair actually be done and gone. Maybe not though. Maybe I'm just having one of my usual chocolate cravings. I love chocolate. Not as much as I love sex but, since I'm not having sex with anyone other than myself, chocolate will have to do. Sometimes when I eat too much chocolate I'll skip a meal. I watch calorie intake. I know that bothers some people. That's just the way I am. I skip a meal from time to time to eat chocolate instead and I use Splenda in my coffee instead of sugar. Weird! I care about my figure and I strive to be healthy. I like healthy food. I wish chocolate had a nutrient we needed to be healthy. You know...Asparagus is the number one aphrodisiac, chocolate is up there too. I love asparagus. Mmmm. Yum. Love food. We should all eat more love food.